For those who know me, they know I have always been incredibly social media shy, very private, discreet and big on boundaries. If this blog or any others are out, it means those days are long gone!
I feel it is time to be bold and candid. So I have chosen to write about something very personal.
I am officially admitting I’m having an affair.
It hasn’t been that long, only about 8 months, but I know it’s serious and real. The only strange thing is I still love my husband and want to be with him. I am caught in a triangle – it’s so weird, intense and real. I always thought I would never do that, I always thought I would feel guilty if I did that, but no! None of that! NADA!
Let’s just quickly sketch the situation prior to this. First, I was blindly in love with my husband for many years. Then came the children and I got choked up with the bliss of motherhood, leaving behind everything that mattered to me before – including myself. Then came school time for my children and with this a bit more free space for myself.
I began to realise that I have lost a big chunk of myself over time with being with my husband and becoming a mum. What is it about us women, that we are driven so strongly and passionately into forming a relationship and family that we abandon ourselves? We lose the power that allows us to create what we desired in the first place?
After a few ‘one-to-one’ sessions with myself I began to realise I’m missing the intensity. The intensity I was always driven by. I left my power somewhere in-between Daniel (my husband) and my children. I gave up the essence of me. For a passionate person like myself, it was a disaster!
I needed a rescue, a good plan of action.
I turned to my best friend Daniel for help but he didn’t seem to feel he had lost a wife or a friend in me, so I felt even more lost and helpless. It looked like only I knew how much I had changed.
And it was then that I started to look for a suitable candidate that would match my high expectations – great and witty sense of humour, and even though Daniel would never know – someone who he would approve of.
I have always been a great believer in “when you look, you will find and when you ask, you will be given”. And that most of the time we already have what we are looking for.
That last thought in particular caught my attention. I found great comfort in thinking that what we are looking for is very often within arms reach of us.
And so I made a list of all the beautiful qualities that Daniel has and all the other bits that I’m after and I found a perfect candidate. I took a deep breath in and decided to approach her. Yes – her!!!
I have found her after so many years – she was always waiting, always hopeful that one day I will open my eyes and see her. And so it began 8 months ago to the day. I began what seems like a life long love affair – with myself.
I realised that for way too long had I put myself last. I started to change things. I placed myself in front of myself and I did what I mastered over the years so perfectly. I started putting myself first in the way I used to do it to others.
I started the day with myself in mind. I blessed and greeted myself – I asked how my night was, I wished myself a wonderful day. I always made sure I had everything ready for my day to go smoothly. Just as I would for others before.
I made my first herbal tea or a juice for myself before anybody else. I groomed myself first. I realised that neither my husband nor my children were or felt neglected. They had never in the first place expected me to compromise myself. It was my own self worth that must have been fractured somewhere down the line, or perhaps it was watching other women sacrifice themselves to please others in the hope of receiving more love. Something had made me put myself last.
If anything, our family life is only better. I smile more, giggle more and I notice my good qualities more easily. I am my own compliment-giver, my own companion, my own soulmate. I have finally got it – that there is no way someone else can love you or give you what you are lacking. Those around you will only reflect what’s inside of you so if you are lacking something you will attract people with those imperfections. They are your constant reminder of what you should work towards, what you are missing.
And I feel like I am on that quest of pure self love and I don’t worry about anybody else.
I also noticed that I couldn’t be a better role model for my daughter. She sees her mother in love when she looks into the mirror, she sees her mother dancing, giggling and singing in the kitchen. She sees, hopefully, herself in the years to come. She will learn that growing up and becoming a woman is an amazing experience and I will be her proof of that.
Although my quest for 100% pure self-love is at 90% right now, I love where I am and I enjoy the adventure that I experience.
I invite all of you to start a long love affair with yourselves. Start from that innocent smile, compliment or flirt.
And who knows where this summer fling will take you?
With Love Wioletta Giegiel